the fever

My heart pumps

it races like my chaotic mind

fluttered with thoughts of you

consumed, I become

fighting for breath

my hand trembles

it shakes like my knees when I am in your presence

I cant help but wonder if I am going to be ok this time

just this once

your poison flowed through my veins

my body and mind incapacitated

tears flowing, the fever rising, sadness overcomes me

sleepless nights

sick without you

sick with you

smiling on the outside, but secretly I wanted to jump

and now, now I have fallen

back into your arms

and my mind is playing tricks

now you see me, now you won’t

when I pull the plunger back, I imagine this is love

or maybe not

your poison is no different than me emptying  black tar into my arms

your passion is intoxicating

and it’s just as addicting

my gut wrenching, cold sweats, chills down my spine

hating the fact that you are not mine

to have and to hold, till death do us part

instead I settle for a semi-broken heart

Posted: September 20th, 2010 under Uncategorized - No Comments.

Little girl

I always dreamed what it would be like to be a little girl

Cuz when I was little, I lived in a totally different world

Like for instance

Most kids play and dance, laugh & sing

But not where I’m from you see

In my home it was diamond rings

Extra marital flings

And whole lotta bling

I’ve never seen so many fur coats in my life

My father the king, my mother his wife

Most kids be memorizing their times tables

But I was wondering if I would be able

To get some sleep while listing to all the yelling

GOD DAMN YOU HELEN!

He would shout and punch

She would kick and scream

I never knew love looked so mean

I’d shut my eyes and hope to dream

And sometimes I did..

And when he would find me where I hid

I would close my eyes

And go to that place

Where daddies loved their little girls

And didn’t slap them in the face

Instead they are greeted with a loving warm embrace

A belt or a shoe, a switch or a smack

And I would hold still and try not to react

Cuz I knew this would just piss him off

Please, stop, I don’t want to take my shirt off

This is wrong, it don’t feel right

Please don’t touch me, please leave on the light

Why is this happening?

My mother asleep all day until 4

Woke up in time for daddy to call her a whore

Great, guess that means they’ll be fighting some more

Between the booze and the drugs

The fighting and the porn

Some days

I’d wish I had never been born

All I wanted to know was what it’s like to be free

To play in the street and scrape up my knee

It’s not my job to make coffee to sober up mom

Or hold her hair back while she pukes

Someone PULL THE ALARM

And make it stop

This can’t be my life

I’m only a girl, why so much strife?

I didn’t know it’s ok for husbands to beat their wife

So many days and nights I would close my eyes

And believe

This wasn’t happening

Maybe this was the dream

Cuz it supposed to be different

Its supposed to be bright

Its supposed to be rainbows and learning to fly kites

So when I look back

And wonder why

I remain strong and try not to cry

For now I’m the mommy with a girl of my own

And I get to be what I was never shown

The magic and wonder of being free

Being open and loving

Putting band-aids on knees

Knowing she isn’t scared or hiding

Or crying or worse

Secretly wondering if her birth was a curse

NO!
She is laughing and giggling

And loving her life

I am determined that this girl will never know strife

She is nurtured and cared for and most of all loved

I’m tucking her in every night

With big kisses and hugs

She knows what it’s like to be a free little girl

And thanks to her

I know now too

Posted: July 8th, 2010 under Spoken Word, Uncategorized, poetry and other artsy shit - 1 Comment. Tags: ALARM, DAMN, GOD, HELEN, NO, PULL

The Dove

And you thought your words were going to keep me down?
That ain’t possible because when I hit the ground…
I hit it running
fast like a cheetah without lookin back
At all the days n times you loved me with a smack
Or a lashing of words that stung like a swarm of bees
I will not get on my knees
And beg
Because like I mentioned, I don’t stay down for long
You see, it was you who taught me to be strong
Because everytime u told me I was worth nothing
I knew I would be everything and more
so your words rolled off my back like a bead of sweat on a hot summer day
It doesn’t matter what u say
Or think
I am not who you think I am
or who you told me I would be
Honey, I am me
And I did it all by myself
Because like I said, when I hit the ground
I hit it running
And thanks to you I got a gold medal
in the 35 year old meter dash
With a splash
Of Self worth and love
I have spread my wings
and who would have thought
The devils child
Would be a dove

Posted: June 6th, 2010 under poetry and other artsy shit - No Comments. Tags: poetry, poetry slam, spoken word

Won Woman Army

I am..

the teller of the bed time story

the taker of the temperature

the checker of the homework

the giver of the medicine

the maker of the appointments

the do’er of the laundry

the worker in the office

the payer of the bills

the kisser of the boo boo’s

the slayer of the boogie man

the washer of the dishes

the lover in the bedroom

the baker in the kitchen

the shoulder to cry on

the friend to listen

the mother to love, support, encourage, acknowledge, embrace and lift up high

I am the creator of my family

I am.. the woman who does everything and has it all.. and just when I am ready to sit down, kick my feet up and sigh

I get ready to do it all over again

and sometimes, in the middle of the night when I am sound asleep and dreaming of calgon, red wine, chocolate and free time, I look down into the eyes of the mirror that stands before me and smile and say, dont worry baby, it was only a bad dream, go back to bed

I am a won woman army, cuz I made it

from homeless youth hitchhiking through the US of A

to living in run down apartment in po-dunk PA

I saw two pink lines on a stick that changed my life

for the better

in that moment where my coin was tossed, heads you run, tails you won

I chose tails

and embraced the gift of this thing called life

and held tight, because I knew this was going to be a bumpy ride with long lines waiting for wic checks and food stamps

to nourish the child that grew and grew and grew inside my womb

but I took them because I knew that after some time

I would get the hang of things

look mom, no hands.. I did it all by myself

and I am here

tucking her in every night

and as I shut her light and say sweet dreams

I smile, because I won

Posted: June 3rd, 2010 under poetry and other artsy shit - 2 Comments. Tags: motherhood, single mom, superwoman

Transforming through love…still

Forgive me father for I have sinned.  It has been over 2 weeks since my last blog.  Sometimes life just grabs a hold of you and tries to take you for a ride. The last 2 weeks for me have been just that, but now, I am handling what I need to handle, with love and grace (don’t get it twisted, I am human, so at times I handle things with anxiety, fear and anger).

Well, sometimes when things happen in life for me, I try to remember that it is not life or death (thank you Agape), and there is nothing that I can’t handle (cuz I am a powerful woman and nothing is outside of me). Plus, I am pretty fucking blessed with some good friends and loved ones who are willing to support me no matter what it looks like. So, for all of you who have been getting my back the last couple of weeks, thank you.. you rock. I wonder if that is why they call us Rockstars? LOL!

So, some of you already know that I belong to the best cult ever (haha, that’s because you probably belong to it too). Well, technically it’s not a cult, but many people like to make up all kinds of shit about the MITT workshops, which I would like to mention, are the second best thing that has ever happened to me in my life. First best thing, my daughter. Anyways, so, about 2 years ago, I embarked on a journey of personal transformation. Little did I know at the time that I would have created the family I have always wanted and met people who would touch my life in the most profound way.

Along the way, I met an amazing woman, who I will just refer to as Mama. She was just one of those women that you wished was your mom. To me, that was her. The mother I have always wanted.  Her presence is larger than life. She reminds me of one of those women who probably had a home that smelled of fresh-baked cookies, a home that sounded like the laughter of all the neighborhood children, a home that always felt like a warm embrace on a cold day. That is what I felt from her in an instant. Sometimes, you just know that you have a connection with some people who can’t be described. Havent you ever met someone and felt like you have known them for a lifetime even though it had only been a short time since you met? That was her.

So without divulging all the details of what happened in the workshop, I will tell you this. Mama and I shared a moment where she placed her hand on top of mine and looked me in the eye and said.. ” I want to share with you what it means for me to be a mother”- mind you, she said this out of the blue, we had not even really had a formal introduction at that point.

Long story short, we went our separate ways after the trainings, and kept in and out of touch.  I received an email from one of her family members that she was in the hospital, in intensive care, and they weren’t really optimistic about her recovery. Lucky for her, it wasnt her time to leave this place, and she got lots of healing light and love and was able to go home. unfortunately she also had 2 months out of work without pay, so needless to say, she is having a hard time staying afloat.

Knowing about this hardship (and many others I wont go into), I decided to reach out to a bunch of people who know and love her and ask for their support. Since many of us shared a very special day together where we aligned our visions for the world, which was to transform the world through love. Love is the essence of what we are committed to creating. With love, there is no hate, with love there is no war, with love, there is no hunger, with love there is no discrimination, with love, there is no crime, with love all things are possible.

Needless to say, since I sent the email, my inbox has been full of love. The response has been overwhelming. I am overjoyed with the thought of her opening her mailbox to find the love donations to support her, and the words of so many to remind her that she is never alone.

With all that aside, I ask you.. Have you ever received a gift from an angel? What was that like for you?  What would it be like if everyone in the world paid it forward? There are a million things you can do. You can buy a Starbucks for the person behind you in line, you can make a donation to your local charity, you can donate your time and contribute to a local community service project.. the point is, the possibilities are endless (right Laura?).

For everyone reading this entry, I dare you to pay it forward. Today, as if it was your last.. what can you do to make someones day? Who can you help? How can you contribute to making this world a better place for our kids to grow up in?

The getting is in the giving.. and I know for fact (because I have been touched by an angel so many times in my life) that when that happens, you can’t let it stop with you. You have to keep the energy of giving going, by passing it on to the next person. If you have it, give it..

I want to hear from you.. pay it forward, pass it on.. Lets transform the world through love.. still!

Posted: May 18th, 2010 under Uncategorized - 6 Comments.

Breakfast in bed

So… I’m sharing with you my secret passion for spoken word poetry.
I’m inspired by my favorite spoken word poet, Buddy Wakefield. Check him out on you tube, watch “guitar repair woman”

————————————————–
‘Breakfast in bed’

When I wake from my sultry slumber
And you are by my side
I don’t hide
From the pain and the fear that kept me back for all these years
I say goodmorning my sweet
As I taste my breath and what remains of you
And we stare at each other
falling like Alice down the rabbit hole
wandering into a wonderland of thoughts of what will be and what’s to come
And how we will get through
None of this even matters really
Because I have u and you have me filling each others cup, drinking the wine
lettin the time
pass slowly
As I breath you deeply in and out
And in and out
And in
And out
And exhale with a sigh
Wondering how long we can lie
in the comfort of knowing that
you and I
Yes, you and I
Make magic baby
Just like we make breakfast… In bed

Posted: April 19th, 2010 under Uncategorized - 2 Comments. Tags: spoken word poetry